Baggage
Ellie is napping and the dishes are done, so before she wakes up and we have to run errands I wanted to place an update here.
The thirty-day challenge has been a good place to draw up creativity when I have none but for today I want to get back to my life and what's been going on.
I've been thinking a lot about being comfortable in my body.
For most of my life, I have been told that I am attractive and beautiful. This is thanks to my wonderful group of friends and my wonderful family. I can thank my genetics too, I do happen to have a great looking mom and two beautiful grandmothers.
However, I still struggled with feeling comfortable in my body. By this, I mean feeling like my clothes fit nicely, that my hair at least looks done, and ultimately that when others look at me they aren't wondering when I last had a shower or if I've been eating too much fast food.
I recognise that this is just me projecting what I think others think about me. But recognising this doesn't make it go away.
Since having my baby I've felt free to cut myself some slack. Everyone says things like; "Things will fit weird for a while." "Give yourself time to recover." "It takes about a year to start to feel normal again. Don't worry about it."
Well, that year has passed and I've been feeling good about my energy and I'm soooooooo tired of looking in my closet and hating my clothes.
So around Christmas, a project began.
If it didn't fit, I tailored it or threw it out. I clothing shopped (ew, ew, ew). I spent time in the dressing rooms trying things on (oh the horrendous fluorescent lighting). Finally, I was able to diagnose my own style of clothing that was both functional and made me feel like I was working all my good points.
My closet is my friend now, and my body and I are on fair terms.
I am still dealing with days where I look in the mirror and see how stretched out my core is and wonder if people look at me and try to guess if I'm pregnant.
I hate this! I hate it soo much that it makes me want to wear mom jeans that hold everything in! I'm freaking 23 years old, I shouldn't be wearing mom jeans!
But the rational part of brain steps in and says," well, you are a mom now."
I know that my body will never be the same again. I know that as I have more beautiful babies I'll just stretch more.
But the beautiful, 23-year-old, prime of her life, woman in my head desperately wants to deny that I won't be young forever, that my body is going to change, and that the babies I want so much are going to be a very large part of this.
I did not expect this to be so hard to come to terms with. I run, I eat well, and I try not be a couch potato, all in an attempt to feel like I'm not sliding into being some kind of middle-aged blob.
I did not expect to have to come to terms with my own vanity on such obvious and inevitable grounds. I thought that because I knew that my body would change, that I am going to get older, that ultimately I would be sacrificing my body for my children, I would be able to get passed it without a fuss.
This isn't a surprise, I knew my body would change. But for some reason that doesn't make it easier.
Most days it really isn't so bad. I still feel good about my looks and I try not to stress about my own mortality. But other days I have to have a small cry about that fact that my body will never be the same again and I have to somehow be ok with that. I guess somewhere along that line I forgot to address this part of having a baby. I never sat myself down and said: " deal with it now so that when it happens you will already have this under your belt."
In an effort to combat this struggle in my life, I spend a part of my morning while I'm brushing my hair and choosing clothes I feel good in telling myself " I love my body, I am comfortable in my body, my body is a gift from god, my body is amazing, my body is strong and healthy, and my body is the temple of my eternal and divine spirit." Saying these things to myself and spending some time admiring everything beautiful about my body helps me get passed the flab.
The most important thing is that I love myself and that I know my husband loves me and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman ever.
It's kind of cleansing to put this all in words. I hope that if you read this it helps you somehow.
Remember that just because your trials aren't as big or hard as someone else's doesn't mean they aren't hard for you. It is your trial and that makes all your struggles and feelings valid.
The thirty-day challenge has been a good place to draw up creativity when I have none but for today I want to get back to my life and what's been going on.
I've been thinking a lot about being comfortable in my body.
For most of my life, I have been told that I am attractive and beautiful. This is thanks to my wonderful group of friends and my wonderful family. I can thank my genetics too, I do happen to have a great looking mom and two beautiful grandmothers.
However, I still struggled with feeling comfortable in my body. By this, I mean feeling like my clothes fit nicely, that my hair at least looks done, and ultimately that when others look at me they aren't wondering when I last had a shower or if I've been eating too much fast food.
I recognise that this is just me projecting what I think others think about me. But recognising this doesn't make it go away.
Since having my baby I've felt free to cut myself some slack. Everyone says things like; "Things will fit weird for a while." "Give yourself time to recover." "It takes about a year to start to feel normal again. Don't worry about it."
Well, that year has passed and I've been feeling good about my energy and I'm soooooooo tired of looking in my closet and hating my clothes.
So around Christmas, a project began.
If it didn't fit, I tailored it or threw it out. I clothing shopped (ew, ew, ew). I spent time in the dressing rooms trying things on (oh the horrendous fluorescent lighting). Finally, I was able to diagnose my own style of clothing that was both functional and made me feel like I was working all my good points.
My closet is my friend now, and my body and I are on fair terms.
I am still dealing with days where I look in the mirror and see how stretched out my core is and wonder if people look at me and try to guess if I'm pregnant.
I hate this! I hate it soo much that it makes me want to wear mom jeans that hold everything in! I'm freaking 23 years old, I shouldn't be wearing mom jeans!
But the rational part of brain steps in and says," well, you are a mom now."
I know that my body will never be the same again. I know that as I have more beautiful babies I'll just stretch more.
But the beautiful, 23-year-old, prime of her life, woman in my head desperately wants to deny that I won't be young forever, that my body is going to change, and that the babies I want so much are going to be a very large part of this.
I did not expect this to be so hard to come to terms with. I run, I eat well, and I try not be a couch potato, all in an attempt to feel like I'm not sliding into being some kind of middle-aged blob.
I did not expect to have to come to terms with my own vanity on such obvious and inevitable grounds. I thought that because I knew that my body would change, that I am going to get older, that ultimately I would be sacrificing my body for my children, I would be able to get passed it without a fuss.
This isn't a surprise, I knew my body would change. But for some reason that doesn't make it easier.
Most days it really isn't so bad. I still feel good about my looks and I try not to stress about my own mortality. But other days I have to have a small cry about that fact that my body will never be the same again and I have to somehow be ok with that. I guess somewhere along that line I forgot to address this part of having a baby. I never sat myself down and said: " deal with it now so that when it happens you will already have this under your belt."
In an effort to combat this struggle in my life, I spend a part of my morning while I'm brushing my hair and choosing clothes I feel good in telling myself " I love my body, I am comfortable in my body, my body is a gift from god, my body is amazing, my body is strong and healthy, and my body is the temple of my eternal and divine spirit." Saying these things to myself and spending some time admiring everything beautiful about my body helps me get passed the flab.
The most important thing is that I love myself and that I know my husband loves me and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman ever.
It's kind of cleansing to put this all in words. I hope that if you read this it helps you somehow.
Remember that just because your trials aren't as big or hard as someone else's doesn't mean they aren't hard for you. It is your trial and that makes all your struggles and feelings valid.
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