Impatience

Lately, I have been trying to rediscover peace and joy in my life.
I know that sounds all deep and spiritual, which it is, but you must understand that I remember these things coming to me fairly easily. I remember being easy in my soul and not being ashamed to find joy in just watching the sunshine, or reading a good story.

I find that I struggle with feeling ineffective and lazy.

The solution for this seemed obvious; get off my butt and actually accomplish something. Thus the blogging, cleaning, and attempting to keeping a running list of what needs to be done this week. It's coming on a week now of using this to shake the crazies and fill the space. It appears to be working in a half and half kind of way.

I can no longer feel guilty for being lazy and I live in a clean home. However, I still wait for the emptiness to fill. Surprisingly being a mom is not the powerful fulfilling calling I imagined it to be. I mean, it is, in the long run. I know that. But the day to day tedium of cleaning up the same toys, the same sticky mess, and the Tupperware every day.... it gets to you.

You begin to want to scream, "This repetition cannot be my destiny!"

It isn't. Knowing that I am a Daughter of God, who has marvelous plans for me, keeps me from having a crisis. This is only a step on the journey that will mold me into the being I am meant to become, but I am impatient.

I realized today while reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho for book club that my problem has been this impatience. The quote was specifically, "'Don't be impatient,' he said to himself. It's like the camel driver said, 'eat when it's time to eat and move along when it's time to move along.'" My impatience drives me to distraction. I cannot just sit and enjoy the pleasures that come into my life because I am impatient to feel that I have accomplished what is required of me, that I have come to the end of whatever this is.

School was excellent for this. I constantly had a task and a deadline and even the end of the year or semester to look forward to. I didn't need to fill the emptiness of summer because I knew school would soon start again and that I had worked hard all year to deserve the laziness of summer. I see now that I lived very short-sightedly. I was always hurrying to the next destination. Even getting married and having children seemed to be part of the checklist.

I have no goal now except to "endure to the end." What does that even mean?

I don't know how to live slowly. I have been trying to study this danish idea called Hygge (pronounced hoo-gah.) It is a not so much about actions as the feel of living. It is about coziness, enjoying the earth, and good food. This idea calls to me. I long to have a lifestyle that brings me this feeling of Hygge.

The checklist lifestyle is not going to do this for me. The lazy do whatever lifestyle is not going to do this for me either.

I need a schedule. I need to make good habits. Most importantly I need to learn to enjoy the things I need to do every day. The tedious tasks will be part of my life until it ends, I might as well make friends with them.

If you made it to the end congratulations. Much love.